Shaping Our Sense Of Humor with Style
I really enjoy watching comedy roasts, but I would not want to be on the stage for one! I do find it funny how that simple shift in perspective changes both my opinion and my breathing pattern, instantly. Nikki Glaser’s wicked assault on Tom Brady last spring was masterful. She wove the egos of her fellow roasters into the material, steamrolling the entire stage with a sprinkle of self-deprecating humor. She pushed the boundaries of uncomfortability right to the edge of the comedy cliff.
And that precipice is exactly where we find the ongoing argument about where the line should be drawn. Personally, I loved Nikki’s Roast so much that I’ve watched it multiple times – which has made it easy for me to see some of the potential pitfalls that come with tripping against people’s trigger points. So about that: while we are being bothered by something, it is easy to forget that discomfort is a natural element of Comedy.
I watched everyone on stage take that ride with Nikki, and it was obvious they thought she was hilarious. But I could also see the sting of insecurity appear on certain faces as she surgically delivered some of her deeper cuts. On healing: some people recover quickly with very little pain, while others wind up treating their wounds for a little longer (indefinitely, even). Despite our best intentions to maintain our sense of humor at all times, our sensitivities can linger whenever the intended humor misses our funny bone. Our sense of what is or isn’t comedy is constructed on top of our unresolved insecurities, which naturally invites our emotions to the stage.
From there, any clearly defined lines can lose their shape quickly and without warning. Since we aren’t likely to find common agreement about what makes us laugh, a deeper question becomes: What is the object of humor?
Like most things, it depends who you ask. Our collective answers are mostly opinions, making them highly impressionistic. So before we go splitting hairs over ‘what constitutes laughable content’, let’s have the conversation from a separate but equally divisive perspective – Style. Why style? Because fashion is afforded a much broader field for its expression, overall, than humor. Over the years, we have become increasingly encouraged to develop our individual sense of style. We are encouraged to choose what we like and project our own creations with confidence. Our sense of taste gets a lot more latitude regarding style than it does when it comes to humor – even though both are equally subjective. SIde note: Many of the people who refuse to wear leather have no issue sliding into a limo with leather seats, because…wait, why, is that again?! #powerofpride?
As a young teenager, fashion held a lot of interest for me, and like many areas of my life, my feelings about it were extreme and unresolved. My desire to have the best of everything was bested by my complete lack of resources. Important note: Even if my parents had all the money in the world, they would not have been on board with me spending it that way. They made that crystal clear by refusing to buy me name brands. Ever. Their reasoning: I was placing WAY too much value on it, and they weren’t feeding that idea in me. (They were right, but they wouldn’t even budge on my birthday!). They tried using humor to change my limited thinking, but it was lost in my superiority complex. I doubled down on the idea that I knew better than they did; adamantly clinging to some ignorant ideas about what it takes to feel genuinely confident. My anger at their inability to understand what I ‘needed’ (Calvin Klein Jeans, for example), made it impossible for me to enter the middle ground where we could have compromised.
They made best efforts, but I refused to align with their perspective. In the eighties, a lot of movies, books and advertising began to cater to my age group, and my imagination went wild with what I could do, if only I had better material resources. Seventeen Magazine was the most influential monthly inspo (#MagazineMentors), and I read it cover to cover – usually more than once. I can actually feel my 80s-style selfishness oozing out of the memory. I was so concerned with what I didn’t have that I didn’t leave much time for appreciating what I did have.
As I’ve gotten older, this familiar dynamic has prompted me to allow the space for a lot of changes. I learned that if I wasn’t willing to shift some of my hard-wired beliefs, I was going to live my life being envious and unsatisfied, which is completely unfair to all of the amazing things that do show up in my life. Today, I can appreciate the natural course of my journey, embarrassing as it may be, and recognize what all of the challenges to my own beliefs have allowed me to understand about my actual purpose. Still, designers and name brands that I like have always stuck in my head like song lyrics, and I am artistically drawn to very specific lines, colors and looks. It is still a huge part of who I am from a structural/design standpoint: sitting at the base of everything and keeping it as consistently comfortable as the universe gives.
Enter humor. They say that laughter is the best medicine, and in the most simple terms, they are right. Laughter has the power to heal what comedy unintentionally harms. Some jokes provoke sensitive subjects - on purpose - to shine a light on the mind-boggling differences in our perspectives. And some things can’t be understood unless we are able to see them through the lens of humor. Laughter, even nervous, uncomfortable laughter, creates movement. It helps us go from being stuck in the ’how can someone think this way?”, to a new stage where we can create reason, however absurd, that lets us take a deep breath, hopefully laugh from deep in our bellies, and expel the stagnant energies that form around all of the things we don’t like, and don’t think other people should like, either. (that part is important, and often forgotten). We can’t control other people without a lot of energetic distortion. Comedy reinforces that truth with an ongoing stream of universal support. And an ever-changing sense of style.
It’s obvious now that the universe wasn’t going to let me skate through life catering to my ego whims any more than it was going to let me use my intellect to manipulate the people around me (even though I feel like I could have had some aptitude in both directions). Instead, it was going to push me right up against the edge of those cliffs and ask me to find comfort there within myself. And the only way to get to the other side of taking yourself too seriously, is to learn how to poke fun and create the space for the benefits of laughter to take effect. For some of us, it takes time to develop a healthy sense of humor.
So how do you get inside the joke, instead of becoming a victim of provoked insecurity? Here’s the simple answer: by riding the wave of emotion that reminds us we are whole every single day, and remembering to breathe with the feelings in real time. Everything we need to feel better about any situation is contained within us – as part of our underlying connection. Our sense of individuality is the base medium for expressing our creativity, but it doesn't stop there. We are individuals, yes, but we all play supporting roles in the lives of others, too. And those moments are organically aligned for the 'benefit' of everyone involved.
We are taught about five main senses in school, but our secondary senses are the tools that help us bridge the gap between awareness of stimuli and awareness of reaction. Just think about the difference in breathing we experience between laughing and crying. In both cases we are fighting for breath at the edge, but one of them is giving good energy, and the other is offering a chance to let go of whatever has become stuck. Some things are part of the landscape, and we may never be able to fully bypass them, but we can learn how to breathe with intention as we navigate them. Here, we find meaning in our obstacles, and that is where we find some serious manifesting abilities. No joke. This really works!
The differences in our personal style have always been fodder for comedians. Funny often comes from identifying the weak spots and exploiting how we got there. Our ignorance around what we don’t see until we see it makes for some of the best jokes. Unfortunately, things can get cloudy behind the hurt feelings that come with ignorance. I still haven’t forgiven a young comedian I saw in Peoria, Illinois 20+ years ago who’s jokes about female anatomy hit me from left field.
I had never questioned whether anyone’s vagina would need to pass a style test until this guy spelled out his own judgment criteria. These were things I had never considered, which had me judging my body in a whole new way. I remember feeling like I wanted to get up and leave, but I was also intrigued by what else he had to say. Plus, I wasn’t prepared to share my embarrassment about those feelings. I was conflicted about it for a few years, until I finally started asking some of the other women who were there if they remembered it. Not only did they remember, but some of them were still carrying around some emotional scars from trying to forget.
When we let humor be a helpful resource in our lives, we give ourselves the opportunity to shift our ignorance, and style has everything to do with what we call humor. I don’t have to understand the humor in Skibidi Toilet to see that it has a real and lasting effect on those who do. I can respect that style of comedy. I used to keep tabs on the comedian from Peoria who pushed me right to the edge of humor about women’s anatomy. I can happily report that I have forgotten his name and I wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a lineup. In the end, he helped me know that feeling comfortable sits at the root of my personal sense of style, and gave me a new appreciation for the individual style of each human being - from the philosophical to the anatomical.
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